Unexpected triggers

During my three and a half year journey, I've come to learn a thing or two. I'm by no means an expert. Just learning and figuring it out as I go.

Sometimes I wish there was a book that laid out a road map for grieving. Instead, it's something everyone experiences in their own way, in their own time. One thing I've learned is that certain events, holidays, pictures or songs will trigger a grief burst. For me, the grief burst can come in many forms - feeling sad, down or irritable, finding myself staring off in the distance multiple times a day or as tears. When the trigger is expected, especially when it's a special day or when I'm planning to see someone who knew my husband, I can prepare for it. I know in advance it will trigger a grief response. It's those unexpected situations that are the worst.

Earlier today, the snow started falling ... this first of the season. The kids were ecstatic. They couldn't wait to bundle up and play outside. As we were driving home, the very short distance from my parents' house, it hit me. I saw men with snow blowers plowing out their driveways.

Yep, that's what did it.

I got inside the house and looked at my driveway. It was covered with snow. Immediately, I was flooded with images of Steve dressed from head to toe in Carhart clothing -- hat, coat, coveralls, gloves -- ready to head outside to plow our driveway. He was like a little kid riding our John Deere tractor up and down our long driveway. While those images made me smile, the memories also made me sad. Another reminder that Steve isn't here. It's like a kick in the gut.

So, I allowed myself to be sad and down in the dumps. Early on in my grief, I felt like I had to snap myself out of feeling sad. Then, through the help of a wonderful grief counselor, I learned that it's OK to give into the feelings. To let them come. What I've found is that when I allow myself to feel sad, blue, down in the dumps or just ho-hum, I end up feeling better in no time.

The triggers, whether expected or unexpected, will happen. My goal is to change how I respond to the trigger. Rather than getting sad, irritable or teary, I hope to get to a point where I will take the trigger as a chance to stop what I'm doing, remember Steve, love him in that moment and continue on. It's a journey, but I'll get there.

Until then, the journey continues ...