My past, present and future come together

One year ago, I wrote a post about how much I dread the first half of July. During the few days before the 4th of July holiday and 10 days after, I recall what was happening during those days in 2009 with such incredibly clarity. The same is true this year, but there also is a big difference. It's a wonderfully positive difference.

As I approach the five year anniversary of Steve's death, I am acutely aware of the convergence of my past, present and future.

I've written a lot about my past ...  I was married to a wonderful man who loved his family, the outdoors and life itself. He adored his children, loved his work as a wildlife biologist and spent many beautiful days on Lake Erie fishing for walleye and perch. He also suffered from depression. Although he was doing everything he should have done to get better and deal with the depression (see his doctor, take the medications as prescribed), he couldn't beat the disease.

My present has been a journey to find my new normal. I know I'm not the same person I was prior to July 2009. Life isn't the same. What was normal then is different now. During these past few years, I've been learning how to move forward while figuring out who I am as a young widowed mom. I've been blogging about my journey - the good, not so good, the down right ugly, the happy and sad.

Once I emerged through the fog of the first year or two of grief, I decided I didn't want to just exist. I chose to live ... to live a full and happy life. Part of embracing a full life has meant choosing to love again. I know what it is like to lose someone I love. I know the depths of that loss. Still, I have been open to loving again.

As I look to my future, it's a future that includes a second chance at love. A long friendship with an incredibly kind, giving, supportive and caring man has turned into a very special love. I feel so blessed. He may not fully understand this crazy journey of widowhood, but he gives me his love and support and room I need when I need it.

My journey certainly has evolved during these past few years. It is evolving again in a very big and exciting way ... I am marrying again!

I've ended each post with the same phrase ... "my journey continues." Even as I marry again, vowing love for the rest of my life, widowhood won't end. I will be Steve's widow and Mark's wife. It may sound complicated, but I know my heart has the capacity to love two incredible men. Love lives on in my past, my present and my future.

And, yes, my journey continues.

Double whammy

I have always loved fall. October and November are two of my favorite months out of the year. The air is crisp and the colors of the leaves on the trees are stunning. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. November is also a month I refer to as my double whammy. Steve's birthday is Nov. 12 and our wedding anniversary is Nov. 13. (Guess who picked the date for our wedding?) I always teased Steve that he chose that particular date so he would never forget the date of our anniversary. He never disagreed!

Now that he's gone, it's like a 1-2 punch. One day the kids and I will mark his birthday and the next day I will remember our anniversary. Without question, those are two sad days.

This year, I want to change that.

Rather than being sad that he is gone, I am trying to put a different perspective on those two days. I want to remember the good memories and celebrate the time we did have together.

We met when I was 23 ... fresh out of college and beginning my career. We dated for two years then got married on Nov. 13, 1999. During the 12 years we were together, we shared so many great times. There were some challenging times, too. With each passing year, our love grew stronger. We were blessed with three amazing children.

A funny side story - When Steve and I first talked about how many children we wanted to have, Steve said he wanted three and I said I wanted two. Steve came from a family of three children and I came from a family of two children. Made sense. Ironically, we both got what we wanted - three children through two pregnancies!

With his birthday and our anniversary approaching, I find myself focusing on time, both how time passes and how it stands still. For me and everyone around me, time has gone on. Whether we like it or not, time has passed and we've gotten older. But, time no longer passes for Steve.

Recently, I've caught myself thinking that he would be 49 this year and we'd be celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary. But, Steve won't be 49. He will always be 44. And, it won't be our 14th wedding anniversary. We were married nine years, a few months shy of our 10th anniversary. That time stands still.

Time. Does. Go. On.

I learned valuable lessons ... time is precious and life is short. It's not a lesson we should be reminded of through the death of a loved one. Since Steve died, I've vowed to continue living fully. Yes, I still get caught up in the day-to-day routine of life. But, I try to remember what's most important in life. It's about quality time with family and friends, taking care of ourselves, embracing beauty around us, getting out to do things, making memories ...

So the journey continues ...